What causes low self-confidence?

None of us are born with confidence.

It is a muscle we grow over a lifetime of experience and achievement.

At the root of our self-confidence, lies self-esteem.

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Self-esteem is how you value yourself as a person. It is the worth you assign to yourself, which in turn drives the standards you set for yourself, and how you expect others to treat you.

People with low self-esteem tend to fail to stand up for themselves, and will allow others to treat them with disrespect because they don’t think they are important enough, or have enough value, to demand more.

In other words, they have a low opinion of themselves and think that the needs and wants of other people are more important than theirs.

Self-confidence builds on top of self-esteem and is more to do with how confident you feel that you can achieve a task, or be successful in something.

Self-confidence means you are more likely to send food back in a restaurant when it’s awful, or complain about the service. Or ask for a table by the window.  That’s because you are confident that the response from the other person will be positive, or at the very least, because you feel confident, when the response is negative (No – you cannot have the window table), it doesn’t bother you too much.

When someone lacks self-confidence, even just getting the courage together to ask to sit by the window is a big achievement, so if their request is then rejected, it can really crush them, and feed back into their lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. It will likely mean they won’t ever ask again.

In real life, self-esteem and self-confidence drives how we interact with others, how we build and maintain relationships, what we think we are worth and deserve to receive (and ask for), and how many goals we think we can successfully achieve.  In other words, it gives you confidence in your ability to accomplish or achieve your goals.

How can I build my confidence?

The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you. – William Jennings Bryan

Building self-confidence is a muscle, and like all muscles, you can exercise it to make it stronger and more flexible.  No-one is born with self-confidence, we all build confidence through our life experiences, and you can do the same.

To improve your confidence, 2 of the easiest things to try would be to accomplish more, and to ensure you say more positive things to yourself.

Negative or positive self-talk really influences us at a subconscious level. We can’t help but believe the ugly words we say to ourselves. If you are constantly belittling yourself, you are chipping away at your own self-confidence whether you mean to or not.

Every time you accomplish something, you build more confidence not only in what you can do in life, but the challenges you can overcome. And the skills you pick up in the process of achieving that goal will help you to succeed in your next goal.

Here are 90 easy tips and tricks to build confidence

1. Confidence can be learned like any skill. Understand that confidence is a skill, just like riding a bike or learning to surf.  With the right knowledge and training, anyone can pick up a new skill. It is the same for confidence.
2. Confidence is not arrogance.  Arrogance is an exaggerated sense of self importance or ability that lacks proof. Confidence is the understanding that you can do something based on past experience.
3. Forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself for all your perceived faults, mistakes, failures and flaws. You are human, and like me, you will make mistakes. It’s a natural part of life, don’t try to avoid it, and don’t berate yourself for it. Accept yourself as you are, then forgive yourself.
4. Be kind to yourself. Don’t say things to yourself you wouldn’t say to a small child. 
5. Don’t bully yourself or be mean to yourself. We all hate bullies, we tell others to stand up to bullies, but we forget to also apply that same advice to ourselves.
6. Set goals. People who set goals are far more likely to achieve them than those who don’t. 
7. Set long term goals. Losing weight, studying for exams, running a marathon, all of those require thinking and planning for the longer term.
8. Set short term goals. But there are many goals that are short term. Preparing for an interview in 2 weeks is a short term goal. Preparing for your first business trip to see your important clients in 3 weeks, also a short term goal.
9. Set more realistic goals. Having an unachievable goal will only make you feel like you are constantly failing, no matter how well you do.
10. Define what is important to you. Then focus your energy on accomplishing those things. Or spending time enjoying those things.
11. Stop trying to be perfect. Perfect is the enemy of accomplishment.
12. Stop caring what others think. Those who care don’t matter, and those who matter don’t care. If they are worthy of your time, then they will accept your flaws and all. If they criticise you, then they are not worthy of your time and energy. People get afraid when friends progress in life, or jealous when you achieve things they can’t, or can afford things they might never be able to. It’s their choice to make an effort with their careers or not.
13. Get things done. Confidence is built on accomplishment.
14. Monitor your progress. How many tasks on your list have you completed? How often are you eating healthy or doing exercise?
15. Make a list of all your SUCCESSES and ACHIEVEMENTS. You can add anything, a great meal you cooked last night, organising a lovely day out with friends that you all enjoyed, helping a cat out of a tree, add anything and everything. Make the list as long as possible. Go back to it and add more things every week.
16. Write down one thing you are afraid of, then write a positive affirmation to fight it with. For example, I often worry I am fat, I know that I am not, but I still fear it. So my positive affirmation to fight that fear is “I am beautiful. My body is amazing, strong, healthy and perfect. I love my body. It is the best body I could have asked for.”
17. Create a list of affirmations that help you fight your inner doubts and demons.
18. Set aside a time of day to repeat your affirmations to yourself. I use the HABIT app to remind me to take a few moments for deliberate positive thinking. In fact, I do this every morning on my way into work. I close my eyes, relax my body, and repeat my affirmations to myself silently. You can also do this before going to bed, going to bed with positive thoughts in your head is always a good thing.
19. Define your core values. It’s easy to doubt yourself when you don’t know who you really are. Did I really make the right decision, is this really what I want for my life? When you know who you want to be or who you are, you will have less self-doubt of your actions or decisions.
20. Be true to yourself. When you do things that are not inline with your inner beliefs, it will create an uneasiness and unnecessary conflict in your subconscious. This in turn will create self-doubt.
21. Stand up for yourself. Don’t let anyone make you feel you don’t deserve what you want.
22. Persevere. A small amount of effort every day will get you further than a massive amount of effort once in a while. Olympic medallists don’t exercise for 12h one day a week, they exercise every single day.
23. Think things through properly. Critical thinking is your friend. Think carefully whether that nasty thing someone said about you is really true. Think carefully whether having that 3rd glass of wine is wise when you have an interview at 8am the next morning.
24. Dress for success. Dress well and you will feel like you fit in. When I wear jeans to an occasion only to see everyone else wearing formal clothes, I instantly feel self-conscious.
25. Beat your own drum. No-one will know you are good at things unless you tell them. Mostly because we’re all so busy living our lives that we often fail to see what others are doing and accomplishing. Put your name on every report and powerpoint presentation at work so everyone knows it was you.
26. People WILL try to take credit for your work. DO NOT let it crush you. Some people are just jerks. There’s not much you can do about that. But ensuring that you stand up for yourself, that you speak up and make sure that your manager and your team knows it was YOU that completed the project will go a long way to making you feel better about their awful behaviour.
27. Give yourself one compliment a day. It trains your mind to not think negatively all the time. When I get dressed in the morning, while looking in the mirror, I quietly compliment myself for being well dressed and looking professional and successful.
28. Exercise. Physical exercise, no matter how small, releases stress and pumps endorphins (the happy hormone) around your body and brain and makes you feel better. When I don’t exercise regularly, my body just becomes more and more tense, until I can’t fall asleep at night. This leads to me lying in bed thinking all kinds of negative thoughts, imagining the worst possible outcomes.
29. Accept compliments graciously. Don’t put yourself down, and don’t write it off as luck. You worked for it, so own it.  {ADD HOW TO ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS URL}
30. Don’t be a victim. Victims are passive and believe that life happens to them. They have no control. Instead, remind yourself that life happens for you.
31. Happiness is a choice. Happy, confident people weren’t born like that, they became like that by making certain choices. I used to be a very moody grumpy person, but after years of deliberately thinking positive thoughts, the way I see life, and my place in it, has changed dramatically. You can do the same if you take charge of your mind and how you see the world.
32. Smile more. Studies prove that when you smile, your body releases endorphins. Also, smiling people are considered better looking. I definitely prefer to be around smiling people, I mean who wants to be around grumpy, miserable people?
33. Keep a gratitude journal. Write down one thing that you are grateful for every day. Do this for a week. It makes me realise just how much I really have, and has the side-effect of making me more positive. And no-one can be confident without first being positive.
34. Eat healthy. Ever noticed how sluggish (and fat) you feel after eating a ton of junk food? I am incapable of feeling good about myself when I feel like that.
35. Say no. Remind yourself it’s ok to say NO when you don’t want to do something. You are not a doormat, you are a human being with complex thoughts and feelings. When I say yes to things I don’t want to do, I end up feeling an inner turmoil that stays with me for days, and I just end up resenting the person I said yes to in the first place. They don’t deserve my resentment, and I don’t deserve to feel that way.
36. Set limits and stick to them. It’s hard to respect someone who breaks their own limits constantly. And then it’s easy to become a doormat. If you want to leave work at 5pm, then make sure everyone knows that you will work hard between 8-5, but then you go home. End of. Reject meeting invites after that. Trust me, all the really successful people do.
37. Make an effort with your appearance. Cleanliness is next to godliness. In other words, wash your hair, wear clean clothes, brush your teeth, smell nice, look nice. When I’m worried my breath smells, I automatically try and stand as far away from people as possible, and I keep my mouth shut. This makes me look stand-offish and unapproachable.
38. Stand up straight. Your grandmother was right about having a good posture. There’s lots of evidence to support the fact that posture affects confidence.
39. Stop fidgeting. It makes you look nervous, and nervous people do not appear confident. Keep your hands still, fold them in your lap if need be.
40. Make eye contact. Avoiding eye contact makes people uneasy.
41. Work on your handshake. Strong and firm without being overpowering is the way to go. After how someone sees you and how you greet them, your handshake is essentially the 3rd interaction you will have with someone.
42. Mind your voice. People make snap decisions so easily. If they can’t hear you, or if your voice is too high pitched, or if you speak too fast, you will make a bad impression. Try to think about those late night radio show hosts, what do they sound like? Soothing, calming, not too loud, not too soft, they speak slowly and rhythmically. All designed to put you at ease.
43. Be happy to see someone. It will make them feel welcome and override their own fears of feeling awkward or out of place.
44. Own your accomplishments. People who achieve things feel confident in their own abilities. When I complete a difficult task, or when I go ahead and do something I was afraid of, I feel proud of myself and that gives me confidence to try even more things.
45. Be brave. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump into the deep end and start swimming. This means asking for that raise, asking out that person you’ve fancied for years, or simply walking out of a toxic relationship.
46. Educate yourself. Not knowing enough about a topic will make you feel unsure of yourself. Read up on the topic so you have at least an idea of what it is about. Nothing makes me feel more stupid than having no idea what a group of people are talking about, from lingo to acronyms. But when I read up even just a little bit, I can at least follow a conversation.
47. Try the 100 days of rejection challenge by Jia Jiang.
48. Visualise yourself as you wish to be. Visualise an image of yourself that you are proud of, an image that is confident and calm and successful. It’s a technique used by many famous athletes like Michael Phelps.
49. Remove negativity and negative people from your life. If they don’t believe in you, then you don’t need them. Find those who do believe in you, or find a group or environment that is already practising or focused on success, and become a part of that group. Overcoming a negative environment is extremely difficult, and it drains you of energy, energy that can be better spent on building your future.
50. Take care of yourself. Physically and mentally. Do more of what makes you happy and relaxed. Surfing, reading, walking, running, meditating. Set time aside on a regular basis, put it in your calendar as BUSY and then DO IT come hell or high water. Don’t give in and reschedule. I can guarantee you Elon Musk and Ariana Huffington wouldn’t.
51. Develop an attitude of gratitude. Practising self-care and self-love remind yourself that you do deserve to be loved, and you are worthy. Treat yourself like rubbish, and you’ll start to believe that too.
52. Take action. Nothing builds confidence like achievement. The more action you take, the more you will achieve, the more your confidence will grow.
53. Learn from your mistakes. No-one is perfect. Don’t try to be. Everyone makes mistakes, what matters is that you learn from yours to grow and become better.
54. Create an alter ego that can do those things you are too scared to try. Remind yourself that you are not the first person to face a challenge. 
55. Ask for help – from the right person. It’s quite a confidence booster when you ask for help and someone gives it. It’s a kindness that makes you feel good inside.
56. Remind yourself that nothing is impossible. Successful people weren’t born with some magical ability you don’t have. They just set out to do something, then persevered over many years until they eventually achieved their goal.
57. Practise makes perfect. 
58. Accept that you can’t be good at everything. 
59. Ask for honest feedback from others. At work we now say “constructive feedback” as opposed to “constructive criticism”. It’s far more accurate as to what you require from someone.
60. Don’t be afraid to say you don’t know the answer. The more you know, the more you understand the gaps in your knowledge.
61. Take risks. If you only ever stick to things you know, you will never grow as a human being and you will be left behind. Doing something new and scary, really pushing yourself past your comfort zone, and completing it, even if not perfect, will make you feel great and will help you gain confidence.
62. Failure is a tool for learning, not a state of mind. I’ve learned more from my failures than I have ever learned from a book.
63. Work hard. Focus on what’s important. Achieve that goal/task. It will really boost your confidence.
64. But also say no to long hours. Hard work is a good thing, but if you do it all the time you’ll end up being a doormat. Hard work should be for your own goals, not the goals of others.
65. Accept conflict. Not all conflict is bad. Not all conflict is friction. Simply agree to disagree and move on.
66. Define your own value. Write down those things you are often complimented about at work or at home. If you are a hard worker that always completes a project on time without a lot of drama, then you are a “hard working self starter that is good at motivating yourself and others, who is excellent at time management”. See what I did there?
67. Embrace a growth mindset. People with a growth mindset are less afraid of failure as they understand they simply need to try harder next time. People with a fixed mindset think they were born gifted, and are crushed when proven wrong.
68. Learn to control your thoughts and emotions. Do not let your mind run away with negative thoughts, practice control of your mind. One way to do it would be through deliberate positive thinking.
69. Practise positive thinking. If you want to feel more confident, you have to start by being more positive. It’s really hard to do one without the other.
70. Meditate. Do mindfulness, take a walk in the park. Do something just for you, for the purpose of looking after your own mental health.
71. Treat other people with respect, not because they deserve it, but because you are a person who is respectful. Not only will it make other people respect you, but it builds trusting relationships. Other people are more likely to treat you with respect and kindness back.
72. Stop trying to control every aspect of your life. It is exhausting and probably never works out the way you want to. Plus it builds a negative frame of mind.
73. Learn to trust others. If you want to build trusting and respectful relationships with other people, then you need to trust other people. And in return, they will learn to trust you.
74. Be honest when you are struggling. People are afraid of being vulnerable, but the truth is, when someone admits their vulnerability, we admire them like they are superheroes. We never laugh at them or think less of them, we think they are amazing.
75. Build good habits. There will be times where you are too tired to make good decisions, but being able to just let the habit take over means you can still do the task you promised yourself you should do. Let’s face it, how much effort would it be to suddenly remember to brush your teeth at 2pm every day? Yet it’s no effort first thing in the morning when you are half asleep because the part of your brain responsible for the habit simply takes over.
76. Learn from those you admire. There are people I have known like family and people I have never even met, all whom I admire for one thing or more. It’s OK if they’re not perfect or have feet of clay. I can still learn one thing from them.
77. Improve your self-talk. Your mind can’t help but believe what you tell it. If you tell yourself you are a failure 30x a day, you will end up believing it. 
78. Live in the present. You need to be able to enjoy your life, right here now, as it is. You can’t change yesterday, you can only learn from it.
79. Plan for the future.
80. Find a mentor. They don’t necessarily need to know you think of them as a mentor. Watch them closely, and learn from them. My old boss, who I will admit used to annoy me a lot, was actually my unofficial mentor. I eventually realised after a few years that everything he made me do 2 years ago was the right decision. He had learned the hard way that doing things the way I wanted to do them will just lead to negative consequences further down the line. I still admire him greatly.
81. Fight self-doubt. When you are doubting yourself, run your thoughts past your mentor. They can put things into perspective for you and guide you down the right path. Don’t just ask your best friend, they will likely say what they think you want to hear, or be way too critical.
82. Focus on solutions, not problems.
83. Do something for nothing. Volunteering or helping someone, it can make us feel more positive. Being confident without first being positive is really really hard.
84. Do 1 thing on your bucket list. Finally get up and do that one thing you’ve been talking about for years. Just think how good you will feel afterwards. Your friends are tired of hearing about it anyway. And you get to throw it in their faces that you finally did it!
85. Avoid drama, and those who thrive on it. People who thrive on drama drains the energy out of others. It’s hard to be positive or focus on your own happiness or goals when you have an energy vampire in your life.
86. Avoid snake pits. Some people are snakes. Spending time with them is the equivalent of being in a snake pit, which is to say, you are going to get bitten one way or another. It creates a negative environment that will cause you self-doubt and stress.
87. Learn to communicate better. Knowing how to communicate effectively at home or at work is essential. Think how quickly some people take offence over nothing, because they misunderstood what was being said. Being able to say things in a way that is positive, easy to understand, and engaging will help you build good relationships and motivate people to your cause.
88. Stay calm. People who panic are neither confident nor viewed as confident or capable.
89. Upskill yourself. If you are afraid of public speaking, then take a course on it. Tackle the thing you are afraid of by acquiring the skill you lack.
90. Use your own name for affirmations. Studies have suggested that when you use the word “I” a lot, it can create more stress than solve problems. Instead, use your name more. For example, “Lynette, you are amazing” instead of “I am amazing”.