When people care about us, they often can’t help giving advice when we have a problem. It can be annoying and frustrating, and let’s face it, COMPLETELY UNHELPFUL, especially when you are going through a breakup when your relationship ends.

When someone I care about is going through a tough time, I just want them to come out of it, I want the bad time to be over as quickly as possible, I don’t like seeing them suffer and stress, it causes me to suffer and stress as well. I want them to be happy and calm and at peace, full of joy for the world.

Unfortunately that is not necessarily the best way to help someone deal with a breakup.

8 Tips On Giving Advice + 8 Tips On What NOT To Do

Don’t Try To Fix Your Friend’s Problems

Often, this anxiety on my part, for my friend, will translate into GIVING ADVICE. It goes something like this;

• If only you do xyz your problem will be over and you can relax again.
• If only you spoke to xyz and told them abc, your problem will be over and you can relax again.
• If only you cut this person out of your life, or move to another city, or get a new job, or do one of many other things, your problem will be over and you can return to “normal” life.

The problem with giving advice is that it’s seldom helpful. Things that worked for me won’t necessarily work for my friend, we live different lives. Also, by giving advice and hastening a conclusion, the other person can easily feel that I just don’t want to listen to their problems.

Learn about the power of positive affirmations and how they can help you deal with the bad times.

The Power of Positive Affirmations for Confidence and Self-esteem

Don’t Offer Your Own Solutions

I know for myself, having received advice in the past, that sometimes I just want to talk about something, I don’t need a solution, I really need a sympathetic ear. I want a sounding board so I can discuss my problem freely and without judgement until I can find a solution myself.  The act of talking about it can be cathartic and when someone jumps right into giving advice, no matter how well-intentioned, I feel like they just can’t be bothered with me and my problems, that they don’t want to listen, they’re too busy, or, on some occasions, that they simply don’t care about me.

It has the side effect of shutting me up, pushing me away, until I feel that there’s no point in trying to have a discussion with someone as I won’t really get anything out of it.

Over the years I have come to the conclusion that the best way to support someone is not to give advice, but to merely listen. Only ever ask questions, never give advice.

For example, when a friend recently went through a very traumatic breakup with her boyfriend, a lot of people were giving unhelpful advice along the lines of “Just get over it”, “There are many fish in the sea”, “6 months from now you won’t even remember him”, “he doesn’t deserve you”, and my favourite “I never liked him anyway” (that was said to another friend who had been in a relationship for years, which made her question why no-one had said anything to her before).  

Don’t Stand In The Way Of Their Own Self-Development And Growth

The problem is whatever wisdom you and I may have gained from our own past experiences, in this moment this person has their own experience to live through. They are growing and gaining in wisdom, learning new things about the world and themselves. You cannot hasten that process or fast track it or shortcut it. It is what it is and everyone has their own pace.

So yes, maybe all that advice is true, and accurate, but for this person right now, unhelpful, as they don’t yet have the experience to see the truth of that advice.

Don’t Expect Your Friend To Simply Switch Off Their Feelings

But more importantly, we cannot simply turn off our emotions simply because we know the other person no longer loves us, or perhaps never loved us.

No advice has ever made anyone go, “Oh well, now I’m simply over it”. Your heart doesn’t work that way. It feels what it feels, you can’t simply switch it off just because you think it’s not helpful to your life.  If you could, that would probably make you a psychopath or a robot, or something like that, in fact I can’t actually think of anything on this planet capable of having emotions and turning them off at will like a tap.

Pushing someone to quickly move past the emotions is like trying to tell them to stop breathing. It can’t really be done, so stop trying to do it, stop trying to FIX their life. You can’t, you are denying them an opportunity as a human being to grow and develop, gain wisdom and experience that no-one can take away from them. Let them have this, it will make them stronger and better.

15 Ways the Practice Of Gratitude Made Me A Kinder, Better And More Likeable Person

So next time, instead of trying to fix things for them by giving advice, simply listen patiently, ask questions occasionally, and let them talk until they’ve examined the problem from every angle.  

It takes time, so at first it might be more than you can bear, having to sit through yet another bottle of wine listening to your friend obsess over why so and so couldn’t love her.  

The only advice you should ever give is to remind your friend that this is not her fault, she has not done anything wrong, there is nothing wrong with her, sometimes these things just happen regardless of anything you do. People fall in love with other people no matter how pretty, funny, intelligent or kind you are. Sometimes they just find that one person they feel more connected with than you and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

15 Things NOT To Say When Your Best Friend Is Going Through A Breakup

1. I never like him anyway
2. He doesn’t deserve you
3. You are much too good for him anyway
4. There are many fish in the sea
5. 6 months from now you’ll look back on this and laugh
6. He was a loser
7. He is an idiot and don’t know how good he had it
8. He will regret leaving you soon enough
9. Cut him out of your life
10. Move on
11. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone
12. You are better off without him
13. You can do better than him
14. I never understood what you saw in him
15. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince

15 Things You SHOULD Say Or Do When Your Best Friend Is Going Through A Breakup

1. Listen
2. Listen Patiently
3. Listen some more
4. Avoid giving “quick fix” advice
5. Understand that she is mourning and need to go through this process at her own pace
6. Give her a sympathetic ear /shoulder
7. Don’t judge
8. Provide a safe space for her to express her feelings
9. Don’t say disparaging things about her ex or her choice in men
10. Remind her that it is not her fault
11. Remind her that she has not done anything wrong
12. Remind her that there is nothing wrong with her
13. Remind her that there is nothing she could have done to avoid this
14. Remind her that sometimes we fall out of love with person A and in love with person B, it’s a natural part of life
15. Remind her that she is an amazing human being and that the right person is out there for her, she just has to be patient

15 Things To Remind Yourself Of When YOU Are Going Through A Breakup

1. It’s not my fault
2. I haven’t done anything wrong
3. I am not unlovable, I am VERY LOVABLE
4. I deserve to be loved
5. There is nothing I could have done to avoid this
6. I should never change myself to please someone else. They should love me as I am.
7. The pain becomes easier to deal with as time moves on
8. I am an amazing human being and the right person is out there for me but I have to be patient
9. Bad things happen to good people, just because a bad thing is happening to me doesn’t make me a bad person
10. I am a good person
11. I am funny and smart and intelligent and pretty
12. I will hold my head up high and tell myself how amazing I am every day
13. Sometimes we meet the right person at the wrong time, and so things don’t work out
14. Sometimes we meet the wrong person at the right time, and so things don’t work out
15. Sometimes we fall out of love with person A and in love with person B, it’s a natural part of life

15 Ways To Practice Self-Care And Self-Love When YOU Are Going Through A Breakup

1. Breathe, this is not the worst thing that has ever happened to you
2. Prioritize yourself
3. Remind yourself of your own amazingness
4. Keep a Gratitude Journal
5. Meditate or do Yoga, anything that makes you feel calm
6. Read a good book
7. Have a glass of wine in the bath
8. Have a spa day
9. Find one friend that you can trust to listen to you talk with patience and without judgement
10. Forgive yourself for your own perceived mistakes
11. Don’t drown your sorrows with alcohol or food
12. Reconnect with nature
13. Go to bed early and get enough sleep
14. Exercise more and eat healthy
15. Do things that make you feel good, happy or relaxed. Whatever that may be.

Check out this Buzzfeed page for more light-hearted advice

15 Affirmations for ANYONE Going Through A Breakup

1. I deserve to be loved
2. I deserve to be happy
3. This is not my fault
4. I did not do anything wrong
5. I will never change simply to “keep” someone
6. I am an amazing human being and the right person is out there for me but I have to be patient
7. Sometimes bad things happen to good people
8. I am a good person
9. I am funny and smart and intelligent and pretty
10. I am a great catch for the right person
11. There is nothing wrong with me, sometimes we simply fall out of love with people
12. I am strong, I will get through this
13. I love myself and I respect myself
14. This too shall pass, I will get through this
15. I forgive myself, and I forgive my ex