Is your past littered with toxic relationships? Or simply afraid of dating after a toxic relationship? Here are some tips to ensure your next relationship is a happy healthy relationship.
At one point or another it happens to all of us.
We end up in a relationship that is toxic for our happiness and mental health.
There are many reasons for this, from our own perceptions of self-worth, which can mean we end up putting up with bad behavior and emotional abuse, even physical abuse, from others, to dating a narcissist.
I also think that sometimes people are simply not compatible. Both may be nice and kind, but often, due to our own biases or insecurities, certain words or behaviors by the other person might trigger us to have some negative reactions. For example, some people are very comfortable with friction, while others are not. Nothing wrong with either behavior, unless you are dating each other. One person might feel as if the smallest amount of friction is tantamount to fighting, while the other might feel nothing ever gets dealt with or discussed properly. And both will find this toxic.
Also read 43 Relationship Red Flags You Ignore At Your Own Peril.
Either way, no matter what the reason for your toxic relationship, the after-effects can stay with you for many years to come.
Toxic relationships strip us of our confidence and self-worth. It can make us feel ignored, unworthy, unimportant, unloved, crazy, over-emotional, and over-reactive, to name but a few of the complicated emotions we experience as a result.
So it stands to reason that dating someone new after a particularly toxic relationship can be tricky as we navigate a new relationship and our own emotions and reactions.
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Why Is The Relationship After The Toxic One The Hardest?
Your first relationship after a toxic relationship can be challenging for many reasons.
1. Emotional baggage
Pretty much all of us carry emotional baggage with us into relationships, whether that’s from a past relationship or childhood. It stays with us until we learn to deal with it.
Even things relating to sexism and racism lead to emotional baggage.
For example if your previous partner would criticize the way you did something, you will be walking on eggshells around your new partner.
Or if your past relationship failed due to cheating, it’s very likely you will be very suspicious of your new partner staying out late, or having close friendships with people of the opposite gender.
2. Low self-esteem and self-worth
Let’s be honest now, anyone that has ever been dumped or cheated on, has at some point questioned their worth.
It’s natural to wonder “Is it me? Is there something wrong with me?”.
Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with you and deep down you do realise this, but it’s hard for your brain to override the fear and doubt in your heart.
But you can’t help but bring that fear and doubt into your new relationship.
3. Trust
After a toxic relationship, it can be hard to trust. And not just trust the other person, but also trust yourself.
Most people never properly learn how to trust themselves, but unhealthy relationships really make it even harder.
Learning how to trust yourself is a slow process that takes time and effort. Not only do you have to learn to understand – and trust – your own emotions and thoughts again, but you also have to learn to trust your own judgement. After all, some of the choices you made in your previous relationship turned out to be very unhealthy for you, so it’s natural to wonder if you can trust your own judgement when it comes to other people.
4. Second guessing yourself
When you don’t trust yourself it can make you second guess yourself at every corner.
Was my emotional response appropriate?
Did I overreact?
Are my suspicions justified or emotional baggage from my ex?
Do I deserve to be loved?
Should I speak up when I’m unhappy?
What if they think I’m being unreasonable?
This creates a state of constant anxiety where you don’t know if what you are feeling or thinking is “right”, which creates more anxiety and stress.
5. Fear of being hurt again
When we make ourselves vulnerable, but the one person we should be able to trust with our deepest thoughts and feelings hurt us, it’s only natural that we build a wall around ourselves to prevent any more hurt.
So we go out of our way to avoid showing any weakness or vulnerability, or that we even care.
We act nonchalant when someone does something to hurt us, we push people away, we even say mean things just to “hurt someone before they can hurt us”.
6. Expecting rejection
Toxic relationships are in a way all about rejection.
Rejection of your emotions, your thoughts and opinions, your mental health, your attention and love, and your own need for acceptance, love and compassion.
When we find ourselves in a new relationship, sometimes we also expect the same rejection from our new partner.
For example, some women might resort to the “silent treatment” because they fear rejection of their emotions.
How Long Should You Wait To Date After A Toxic Relationship?
If you haven’t given yourself enough time to heal and recover, then you are still walking on eggshells and on a high emotional alert for any small thing that might cause you more pain.
From personal experience, I’ve learned that the best way to heal from a toxic relationship is to first learn to love yourself.
You can’t expect someone else to love you if you can’t love yourself just the way you are.
This takes time and it takes energy. All healing does. But emotional healing takes years.
My own personal rule is that you should remain single for as long as you were in a relationship, and roughly that is how long it took me to heal after a previous relationship that left me with some big emotional scars. Truthfully I had even more healing to do by the time I met my current partner.
Having said that, it is a personal choice and the healing process is different for all of us.
Either way, the dating world can be vicious, so before you can even think of dipping a toe in those waters and start dating again, you need to grow enough to understand how to approach dating or relationships in a healthy way, without the baggage of the past.
Time
Time heals all wounds they say.
Before you jump into your next relationship, give yourself the time you need to truly heal, reflect and grow.
If you hurt your ankle, would you jump (no pun intended) right back into sports or would you give it time to heal properly?
It’s the same with mental health.
Reflect
Reflecting on what went wrong, and what lessons can be learned will be difficult in the beginning.
You feel like a raw and open wound.
Luckily pain fades over time which makes it easier to truly examine the past with a more objective eye in order to better understand where things went wrong.
It’s easy to blame your ex, but did it really start there? Or did it start earlier?
Were you raised in a certain way that made you react emotionally in certain ways that were not helpful to your past relationship?
Men are taught that “boys don’t cry”, while women often find their emotions are being dismissed due to it being “that time of the month”.
This type of indoctrination creates adults that struggle to show vulnerability and trust, and without that it’s difficult to have a healthy relationship.
Examining your own feelings and truly understanding what went wrong is crucial for building healthy relationships in the future, romantic or platonic.
Learn
It goes without saying that learning from the past is very important if we want to avoid making the same mistakes again.
Yet a surprising amount of people constantly repeat the mistakes of the past.
If you want to be in a happy and healthy relationship in the future, then you need to learn from the past so you can find a way to avoid the mistakes of the past.
Grow
All pain and injury make us stronger in the long run, and while it might not feel like it when you are in the midst of your pain, you will grow and learn.
As we grow older, and we become wiser, we realise that while it’s easy to point a finger of blame at an abusive ex, in the end we too can benefit from changing our own behavior, so we can say no more easily.
People find leaving toxic relationships very difficult, and they take years before they reach a point where enough is enough. But as you grow stronger and wiser, you will get to the point where you are prepared to walk away a lot sooner, you will be able to spot the warning signs quicker and refuse to put up with any more bad relationships or toxic behavior.
You will find that you only want to spend time with people who treat you with kindness, compassion and respect.
How Do You Go From A Toxic Relationship To A Healthy One?
If you are already in a relationship and you want to make your relationship more healthy, take a look at these 50 bad relationship habits that could be ruining your relationship.
It’s important to not treat your new partner based on the negative experiences you had with an ex. Similarly, looking at your new partner with rose tinted glasses isn’t helpful either.
And while the internet and friends have good intentions (including me writing this article), we each have different red flags. What makes me upset might have no effect on you, and vice versa.
Understanding yourself and what you want for your future is important if you want healthy and happy relationships.
Fix yourself
One of the worst decisions you can make after coming out of a bad relationship, is to expect the next person to fix you.
Too many people do this. We want someone to love us when we are unable to love ourselves.
For some strange reason, many of us expect the other person to be this kind, patient, confident person who can look after us and help us heal.
No-one thinks to be that other person that is full of confidence and kindness.
Don’t look to someone else to heal you. Heal yourself. Work on your issues with confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, and above all, learn to love yourself.
Decide who you want to be
Taking control of your happiness and your relationships require that you decide what sort of person you want to be.
Do you want to be someone who is always too afraid to speak out, who accepts being treated poorly because of low self-esteem?
Or do you want to be someone who is confident enough to speak up when you are unhappy, to say no when needed, and who walks away from anyone who treats you poorly?
Decide first who you want to be, then work towards becoming that person.
In doing so you will become the healthy, happy and confident person you wish you could be.
Decide what you want
Years ago I received some of the best relationship advice you can get.
Someone told me to write down everything I want from a partner, to make a list of my likes and dislikes.
So I made a list of what I really wanted in a man.
Here are a few of the things I put on my list. Over the years I have come to realise that these are the most important to me.
- Someone to love me for me, without wanting to change me
- Treat me with kindness and respect
- Treat me as an equal
- Someone I can respect and love
- For both of us to trust each other unconditionally
- Someone who listens when I talk instead of dismissing my feelings
- Someone who opens up to me and is willing to talk about their feelings no matter how scary it may feel to be vulnerable
As you can see, trust, respect and kindness comes up a lot. Communication too. But in both directions.
I didn’t just want someone to treat me in a certain way, I wanted a partner to be worthy of my best behavior too.
I can say with honesty that my partner and I are both very happy and that our relationship is healthy and full of respect towards each other.
We both make an effort to communicate calmly and with kindness, without blame or recriminations, making ourselves vulnerable in the process, and it pays off. It makes us respect each other more and more every day.
Conclusion
Building a healthy relationship relies on trust, kindness, respect and communication.
But if you have had a toxic relationship in the past, sometimes it’s difficult to do those things, and unfortunately your last relationship has taught you to not expect that from a partner.
Give yourself time to heal properly, be kind to yourself, and try to learn from your past so you can avoid repeating it over and over.
